“The greatest thing you’ll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return”, part of the opening song from the movie Moulin Rouge starring Ms. Nicole Kidman and Ewan McGregor.
The kind of feeling that a mutual love can give is exhilarating. To find someone to share yourself with, take care of, and spend time exploring what life has to offer, and vice versa is something I wouldn’t trade for the world.
However, is love enough?
I guess not. Because if love is enough, why are there people who love each other but are not together, in the same sense that a couple who live happily together, would admit that they love someone else more than the person they are with at the moment? On the other hand, why are there people who, despite the cons in the relationship, stay for the sake of love, and end up unhappy, worst, unloved?
Between two people who committed to be together to build a foundation that can last longer, if not lifetime, what could be the most important thing to consider in building, keeping, or perhaps, letting go of that relationship?
You complete me!
Have you heard of the cliché, “You complete me!”? Many times, isn’t it? Is that right? Is it right to find someone who exactly fills in our needs and what we thought we lack in our lives, such as happiness, inspiration, and fun, or literary, the spaces between our fingers?
Maybe. However, based on my experience, these thoughts can be the very reason why we fail one relationship after another. Let me tell you a story about my previous romance that could somehow resonate with yours.
I was in a relationship with someone who does not share the same spiritual belief as I did; someone who never compromise his “so-called rules” even if that same “rules” was used to excuse himself for doing things that have hurt me badly for so many times over; someone who’s got connection with the mother of his child, a connection I clarified when we first get started but turned out to be the exact opposite of what’s actually going on. But however I think about all these, I just couldn’t leave. My reason? I love the guy. So as much as I wanted to keep what’s going on to myself, I confided to a friend who happened to open my eyes and made me realize what’s missing in every relationship there is in this life.
She asked me, “How did you two end up together?”
I told her, “He made me happy, made me realized the things I wanted to do, and show me what else is there outside the comfort of my life before him. I fell in love.”
She asked me then, “How come you need someone to make you happy?” I didn’t understand what she meant at first. But then she asked me afterward, “If you had known the things you know now about him, would you still get into the relationship?”
I said, “No, I don’t think so.”
And then she replied, “But would you still be happy, or be able to do things outside of your comfort zones without him?”
I thought about it for a while and said, “Most probably.”
And then she winked at me, “Then why can’t you let go?”
It hit me.
I didn’t know before him that my happiness is my own responsibility; I didn’t know I needed to know exactly what I want; and didn’t realized that before him, I wasn’t enjoying life the way I should be doing. So when I found someone who could fill in what I thought was missing in my life, I fell in love.
My friend concluded, “You don’t need someone to complete you, you need to be complete before you can be able to find someone who deserves to share what you have to offer.”
What the heck did she mean by that?
As afraid I was to admit, I know exactly what she meant. Once I realized what I was missing, what I should be doing first and foremost to myself and life in general, I found the courage to tell him I’m letting go of the relationship. If I would have known it earlier, we could have saved more time rather than being in that same relationship that compromises what I deserved, just because I thought he’s the one who completes me. I was wrong. I still loved him and it pained me to leave the man I was planning to share my future, despite his “rules”. But then I just had to do it.
Before we enter into any relationship, we ought to know first who we are, what we want, and what we have to offer. If we know these things exactly, and okay with that, we wouldn’t be involved with anyone for the wrong reasons. Using my friend’s words, “we don’t need someone to complete us”.
Because when we are complete…
… We know our limitations and weaknesses, and we know that they are what make us who we are;
… We know that we’re the only person responsible for our happiness, that people who come around are there only to magnify and show us things that can make us happier;
… We are well aware that life is a mystery, and it’s precious; we ought to enjoy and conquer it with or without anyone;
… We know that if there is no trust, honesty, communication, and respect, there is no freedom in the relationship;
“True freedom comes from honesty.”
… We have no problem compromising, because we know that a good relationship consists of giving and taking, so long as it does not detriment or alter our principles;
… We don’t need other people’s validation, hence avoiding the need to communicate and test whether opposite sex other than our partner find us likable which may lead to emotional cheating;
… We are strong enough to understand the shortcomings and limitations of our partner, and vice versa;
… We know what we want and we are pursuing exactly just that;
… Most importantly, we know exactly our worth that we never compromise our beliefs and principles in order to be in any kind of relationship, otherwise, finding someone who aligns with these beliefs and values.
In other words, we are complete if there is clarity in the difference between what we want and what we need. And it would be more fruitful and worthwhile, if we decide to jump into a relationship based on our ability to know that we want that relationship more than we need it, choosing that person not because he completes us, but because he magnifies our strength and understands our weaknesses and shortcomings. It doesn’t have to be a perfect romance, but if it doesn’t serve us any better, we have to learn when it’s time to let go.
Each of us is one unique human being and everything around us is external factors for our choosing that will either deviate or magnify what we already are. All we need to do is know exactly who we are.
So go ahead and get to know yourself before being with somebody else. Build a career, pursue your dreams, enjoy your life, know what you want, until you find someone who is not afraid to love, commit, compromise, trust, and understand the way you want it, and of course, the kind of relationship you both deserve to have.
I’d be happy to know your thoughts in the comment section below.
All the best,
King Kong’s Girl,