What Is The Most Important Thing In A Relationship? – Is Love Enough?

“The greatest thing you’ll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return”, part of the opening song from the movie Moulin Rouge starring Ms. Nicole Kidman and Ewan McGregor.

The kind of feeling that a mutual love can give is exhilarating. To find someone to share yourself with, take care of, and spend time exploring what life has to offer, and vice versa is something I wouldn’t trade for the world.

However, is love enough? Is Love Enough?

I guess not. Because if love is enough, why are there people who love each other but are not together, in the same sense that a couple who live happily together, would admit that they love someone else more than the person they are with at the moment? On the other hand, why are there people who, despite the cons in the relationship, stay for the sake of love, and end up unhappy, worst, unloved?

Between two people who committed to be together to build a foundation that can last longer, if not lifetime, what could be the most important thing to consider in building, keeping, or perhaps, letting go of that relationship?

You complete me!

Have you heard of the cliché, “You complete me!”? Many times, isn’t it? Is that right? Is it right to find someone who exactly fills in our needs and what we thought we lack in our lives, such as happiness, inspiration, and fun, or literary, the spaces between our fingers?

Maybe. However, based on my experience, these thoughts can be the very reason why we fail one relationship after another. Let me tell you a story about my previous romance that could somehow resonate with yours.
I was in a relationship with someone who does not share the same spiritual belief as I did; someone who never compromise his “so-called rules” even if that same “rules” was used to excuse himself for doing things that have hurt me badly for so many times over; someone who’s got connection with the mother of his child, a connection I clarified when we first get started but turned out to be the exact opposite of what’s actually going on. But however I think about all these, I just couldn’t leave. My reason? I love the guy. So as much as I wanted to keep what’s going on to myself, I confided to a friend who happened to open my eyes and made me realize what’s missing in every relationship there is in this life.

She asked me, “How did you two end up together?” what is the most important thing in a relationship?

I told her, “He made me happy, made me realized the things I wanted to do, and show me what else is there outside the comfort of my life before him. I fell in love.”

She asked me then, “How come you need someone to make you happy?” I didn’t understand what she meant at first. But then she asked me afterward, “If you had known the things you know now about him, would you still get into the relationship?”

I said, “No, I don’t think so.”

And then she replied, “But would you still be happy, or be able to do things outside of your comfort zones without him?”

I thought about it for a while and said, “Most probably.”

And then she winked at me, “Then why can’t you let go?”

It hit me.

I didn’t know before him that my happiness is my own responsibility; I didn’t know I needed to know exactly what I want; and didn’t realized that before him, I wasn’t enjoying life the way I should be doing. So when I found someone who could fill in what I thought was missing in my life, I fell in love.

My friend concluded, “You don’t need someone to complete you, you need to be complete before you can be able to find someone who deserves to share what you have to offer.”

You complete MeWhat the heck did she mean by that?

As afraid I was to admit, I know exactly what she meant. Once I realized what I was missing, what I should be doing first and foremost to myself and life in general, I found the courage to tell him I’m letting go of the relationship. If I would have known it earlier, we could have saved more time rather than being in that same relationship that compromises what I deserved, just because I thought he’s the one who completes me. I was wrong. I still loved him and it pained me to leave the man I was planning to share my future, despite his “rules”. But then I just had to do it.

Before we enter into any relationship, we ought to know first who we are, what we want, and what we have to offer. If we know these things exactly, and okay with that, we wouldn’t be involved with anyone for the wrong reasons. Using my friend’s words, “we don’t need someone to complete us”.

Because when we are complete…

… We know our limitations and weaknesses, and we know that they are what make us who we are;

… We know that we’re the only person responsible for our happiness, that people who come around are there only to magnify and show us things that can make us happier;

what is the most important thing in a relationship?… We are well aware that life is a mystery, and it’s precious; we ought to enjoy and conquer it with or without anyone;

… We know that if there is no trust, honesty, communication, and respect, there is no freedom in the relationship;

“True freedom comes from honesty.”

… We have no problem compromising, because we know that a good relationship consists of giving and taking, so long as it does not detriment or alter our principles;

… We don’t need other people’s validation, hence avoiding the need to communicate and test whether opposite sex other than our partner find us likable which may lead to emotional cheating;

… We are strong enough to understand the shortcomings and limitations of our partner, and vice versa;

… We know what we want and we are pursuing exactly just that;

… Most importantly, we know exactly our worth that we never compromise our beliefs and principles in order to be in any kind of relationship, otherwise, finding someone who aligns with these beliefs and values.

In other words, we are complete if there is clarity in the difference between what we want and what we need. And it would be more fruitful and worthwhile, if we decide to jump into a relationship based on our ability to know that we want that relationship more than we need it, choosing that person not because he completes us, but because he magnifies our strength and understands our weaknesses and shortcomings. It doesn’t have to be a perfect romance, but if it doesn’t serve us any better, we have to learn when it’s time to let go.

Each of us is one unique human being and everything around us is external factors for our choosing that will either deviate or magnify what we already are. All we need to do is know exactly who we are.

So go ahead and get to know yourself before being with somebody else. Build a career, pursue your dreams, enjoy your life, know what you want, until you find someone who is not afraid to love, commit, compromise, trust, and understand the way you want it, and of course, the kind of relationship you both deserve to have.

I’d be happy to know your thoughts in the comment section below.

 

All the best,

King Kong’s Girl,
TheKingKongsGirl.Com

 

 

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36 comments / Add your comment below

  1. I loved this article. If we are waiting on someone to complete us we will be jumping from one relationship to the other over and over again. As you stated we must already be complete. We must have a foundation and know ourselves and know what we are looking for in a life partner.

    If f we are waiting on someone to come in and complete what is missing in our lives we give power to that person. Eventually that person may figure that out and take advantage of that.

    I hope that we all would be with someone that has an awesome set of values and brings joy to our life. But that will never happen until we do a self analysis and know who we are and what we want.

    1. You got it, Nate. We’d rather be the one giving and sharing ourselves to the betterment of our partners and the people around us, and we’ll never be able to do that if we ourselves need one. I’m glad you liked it! Thanks for sharing your thoughts.

  2. Hi.
    Great article.

    In my oppinion isn’t love enough.
    What is love? Friendship love or relationship love?
    That are 2 differents love for me. You need to trust each other.

    Great article :). Keep it up.

  3. I think it’s a really good thing to be in a relationship. What most people don’t realize is the fact that long time relationship has a health benefit that short time relationship cannot give. We should all try to accommodate each others fall in our relationship.

    1. It is, Peter. Life is happier when you get to share it with someone. And it’s a great blessing if that partnership can last longer, if not a lifetime. If we all are seeking a lasting relationship, we ought to analyze ourselves first in order to make better decisions based on our set values and principles. Thank you for sharing your thoughts!

  4. I like your article. Especially the last part about clarity in the difference between wants and needs. It can easily get you into trouble, if you just follow your needs or the needs of others, forgetting what it is you really want. Thank you for reminding me of that.

  5. These days, it’s a miracle and a cause for celebration when I see an actual happy and healthy relationship! I have known and met so many women who are married but are extremely unhappy. They are abused, mistreated, cheated on or unvalued by their partners. But the majority of them do not fix their lives because of the fear of being alone…

    The point you make about getting to know yourself, achieving your own personal and professional goals and falling deeply and madly in love with yourself first is SO important! This is what I did in my life. And because of it, I am not afraid to let go or walk away from toxic or unhealthy people that I encounter.

    Thank you for a great read!

    1. Hi Andrea, that is exactly the point why we have to do it, to learn to value ourselves in order to either not engage in any relationship for the wrong reasons or know whether it’s unhealthy and toxic already. I’m glad you liked it. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.

  6. What a great and powerful Article. I love it – These are really good provoking questions to ask yourselves when your in a relationship. You have a good friend Thank you for sharing!

  7. The greatest thing you’ll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return…from one of my favorite old tunes most famously sung by Nat King Cole from 1948.
    All I can say is it is all about communication. People are not honest with themselves let alone honest with another, and sometimes the honesty hurts. we go into relationships with too much fear, and we fall in love with illusions. When we find someone who treats us with respect at all times and makes love to us like we are the most important person to them, we are going down the right road but only if we are secure in ourselves first. Being self secure allows the other person to be more of themselves to you because you are leading with your heart and not your ego. Oh well, i will leave those musings to you!

    1. That’s true Thomas, communication, honesty, respect, these are all needed in order for a relationship to work, and we’ll never be able to do that, you are right if we are not secure with ourselves. That’s the reason why we need to work on knowing ourselves first before being involved with anyone. Thank you for reading and sharing your thoughts! : )

  8. This is really a powerful article and for many, it can be a lifesaving eye-opener. I’m a man and I do have my experiences but I think I will keep it for myself for now.

    Anyways I want to congratulate you on a very good article.

    1. Thank you, Nicolaas. Men and women are the same in the sense that we are all human capable of loving or being hurt, at the same time, be the cause of someone’s heartbreak. One thing is for sure, if we don’t know what we really want, we will end up hopping from one relationship to another. I’m glad you liked it!

  9. My boyfriend always says ‘Love is not enough’ and sometimes I try to argue that in my mind, but it’s true. I think some of the most successful partnerships are based more on collaboration, projects, bringing together resources and ideas. Loved your perspective on this!

    1. Your boyfriend is right, Laurel. People change, so do feelings. If a relationship is based only on feelings, then, the relationship will change accordingly. I’m glad you liked it, thanks for sharing your thoughts.

  10. This is so true. Unfortunately, I believe too few people understand that we are either happy people or we’re not. Depending on someone else to make us happy is putting our responsibility on the other person. It was once explained to me that we are responsible for our own thoughts, feelings and emotions.
    I also heard it said before that a healthy relationship is like two horses pulling a cart. Both horses work well together, but they are also perfectly capable of working alone. Do you believe that?

    1. Hi Keith, thanks for sharing your thoughts. I just learned about these horses pulling a cart now from you, but it perfectly makes sense. Pulling the cart which I assume represents our lives can be shared with someone so long as both of you are going in the same direction and lead by the same plan. If that’s not the case, it would be better to do it alone rather than being with someone who does not want to go pull with you anymore. I hope that made sense as well. 🙂 Have a great day!

  11. Great article! Yes, things get complicated when considering love. Sometimes one can love but not be right for each other. Things like ego, insecurties, and scars are involved as well. It is true, you cant look for happiness nowhere but from inside yourself .

  12. Hi, this is such a great article, I absolutely agree with everything your have mentioned, we all need to feel confident and complete withing ourselves, that is how we will be able to build a strong relationship. Thank you so much for this lovely read.

  13. This is such a great read, I am reading it for the second tie. After I commented earlier, I shared it to many of my friends and everyone love this article, very well written and awesome. Good job, looking forward to more great reads from you.

  14. I’ve been married to the same woman for 31 years, and I can say with certainty that love is not enough. When you go into a relationship with emotional baggage or unresolved personal issues or unrealistic expectations, you are going to have problems.

    The bottom line is you must be emotionally and mentally healthy yourself before entering a relationship and the plain truth is that most people are not. Many people have self -esteem issues, issues with authority, parental issues, depression and the list goes on. To make matters worse, people THINK they are alright when they actually are not. They go into relationships expecting things “to work out” and they don’t.

    You’ve got to know yourself . That is very difficult for people to do…

    1. That’s true, knowing yourself is the first step in order to share what you have to the world, most importantly to the people closest to you. Each of us are unique. There is no way we can understand others if we’re confused with who we are exactly. Congratulations on your 31 years and counting. It’s amazing to meet people who have the courage to commit and spend the rest of their lives with each other. Best wishes and thank you for sharing your thoughts.

  15. I’ve always thought the “you complete me” line sounded a bit desperate, no? lol. This makes so much sense. You have to be complete and content with yourself first. Well written!

    1. Thank you, Eric, appreciate your comment. It is ignorant and desperate in my opinion. Ignorant in the sense that most people are not aware that it all starts within, the power to change, be happy, confident, etc, start from within and the willpower to achieve them, and desperate to believe that anyone can do it for them.

  16. Very good and honest post. I think we have to consider our partner when in a relationship and leave ego’s and selfishness behind, use each others strengths and ease each others insecurities.

  17. Hey, there!

    I know many people, who are in a realtionship just to feel complete. But ultimately I do feel that they are just stuck in life and does nothing to be happy and fulfilled in life, but rather live in each other’s misery.

    I do agree with you strongly! You have to be complete. Complete within yourself. And appreciate yourself, love yourself. Be happy about yourself. You really truly have to know, who you are. And then you can be a true addition to another human being. Otherwise, what are you giving?

    Too many people in relationships are all about receiving, but receiving is tied to expectations. And all expectations will ever give you is detriment to your happiness, when they’re not met. And so over time people develop a grudge on the other person for not meeting their expectations.

    But it shouldn’t be that way at all. It wouldn’t be that way at all, were we all complete before entering a relationship!

    Cheers!

    1. Hi Matiss, I’m glad you can relate to this. I couldn’t agree more with all that you said. When expectations weren’t met, each start to feel frustrated hence seeing only what’s not there with their partner, comparing it to others thus the never-ending arguments. Thank you for your sharing your thoughts.

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